I Am Terrified of the Tooth Fairy

I loved pulling out loose teeth as a child. Loved. To the point where it creeped my mom out. I wiggled and twisted until they cracked, wedged my nail under the edge to sever nerves…

Yeah.  Pretty gross.

Now that Rowan, my eldest child, has his first loose tooth, I’ve been thinking a lot about teeth in general. He absolutely refuses to push, pull, twist or make any attempt to remove his tooth. And just like popping pimples, I am OBSESSED with his loose tooth and try to “bump” it when I’m brushing his teeth and keep asking him, much to his irritation, if I can wiggle it. He makes me promise not to be rough and it’s really quite a feat for me not to try to remove it.

Okay, so, I obviously have some issues here. But that’s not what this post is supposed to be about.

It’s about the Tooth Fairy.

The Tooth Fairy was not a visitor at my house as a child, and will not be coming to my house now that I’m an adult either. We’re off the scheduled tour stops for Santa and the Easter Bunny as well, but that’s another topic for another time.

I have heard so many different ideas about the Tooth Fairy. From leaving the tooth under your pillow where she sneaks in at night like a winged and creepy ninja to whisk them away, to putting them in a sparkly Fairy Tooth “sand castle” (and you’re supposed to tell your child that ground up teeth make it sparkle?!), and then there are cuter things like this Tooth Monster from LuandEd that you put the tooth in. Better than sleeping with a piece of bone that’s fallen out of your head in your bed (Ned. Red. Lots of  -ed there), and it hangs over the doorknob so you don’t have to pretend to be a creepy, winged burglar fairy in the middle of the night and risk waking your child and destroying their entire childhood and trust in you by being caught FAKING!

Ahem.

But anyway, my biggest beef with the bone-robbing freak fairy is WHAT SHE DOES with the teeth that she apparently needs so badly she has to buy them from you. Hypothetically, of course.

“She gives it to new babies!” You mean all of our teeth are hand-me-downs? Gross. What about the rotted ones?

“She makes a castle out of it.”  Seriously, just about anything made from lots of teeth is effing creepy.

Exhibit A:

https://i2.wp.com/www.abc.net.au/tv/collectors/img/2006/Teeth_m1320316.jpg

Fairly sure I don’t even need an Exhibit B. I’m going to have nightmares about that thing for a week, but next up:

https://i2.wp.com/www.magiedubouddha.com/images/prod/rituel/collier.jpg

Seriously, what the hell? Yuck.

I’ve also heard she grinds them up and that’s what STARS are. That’s just weird.

Funny enough, I don’t have any issue with shark teeth. Call it cultural conditioning, but they just don’t bug me. In fact, I have a few earrings made of them.

But anyway, the Tooth Fairy isn’t going to make an appearance here. We will keep our teeth in a keepsake box where he can see them, if he so chooses, but no freaky fairy is breaking into my house and stealing them for her screwed up art projects.

I’ll give my kid the money myself and hope it encourages him to pull out future teeth a little quicker, or at least let me do it.

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About Christie Haskell

I'm a Pagan, pierced, latte-sipping liberal mom to two kids and a cat. I've been on Good Morning America, HuffPo Live, and featured in a lot of online publications like New York Times Motherlode, and print publications like Kiwi Magazine. My articles focus a lot on parenting, food, and social health issues. I'm really opinionated and love to back those opinions with facts.

1 Response

  1. I love this post because I’m also NOT doing the tooth fairy in this house. Strange I read this tonight of all nights – I just tucked my son in and he asked me if when he loses his first tooth, he can get a whistle as a reward from me. =)

    Like

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